4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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