i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
