I love black thongs
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
