Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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