I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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