just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
