Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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