I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
