If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
