so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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