I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
