and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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