I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
