remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I could make wine with my vomit
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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