He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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