She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
