just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
