Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
