Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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