this just has baby written all over it
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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