he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
