Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
