he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize