whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I will pee on everything he values.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
