i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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