I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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