It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So much Jack, so little girl.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
