Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
