I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
