got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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