we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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