the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
