Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
