I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
