I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
