you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm too high and old for this...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
