How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
