duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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