I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
