Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
