Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
