I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
