I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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