Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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