Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
