I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
