she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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