We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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