I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
