FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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