i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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