my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
