Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
