i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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