Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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