We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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