Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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