Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
