He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
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My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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