3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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