By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
We are two peas in an std pod
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
