The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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