I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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