this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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